I have waited many weeks to write this because 1) I promised I wouldn't immediately post it online for the whole world to read and 2) I wasn't ready to share. However, I feel the need to let go of some of what I am feeling.
Several weekends ago, my mom made plans with me under the false pretense that she missed me and wanted to spend time together. Shortly after arriving at my apartment (one preview into the DVD we had chosen) she told me that she had filed for divorce from my dad that morning and had already made plans to remarry. I feel so many emotions that I can't figure out how to react or ultimately feel. I am sad, relieved, hurt, confused, angry, and so many other emotions that I can't figure them all out.
"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." - Mark 10:11-12
"If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him." - 1 Corinthians 7:12-13
Reading scripture only makes me feel more confused about how to feel because it gives me more reason to be upset with my mom instead of comforting me. Loving friends and family members get me through each day (even when they don't know it). To summarize: Divorce sucks and life is hard.
As you may have noticed in the past, I occasionally write comments on others' blog posts that are worthy of becoming their own blog posts. So, as I have done before, I have posted my comment below; however, it will make more sense if you read Will Montgomery's blog post 'Never Forget' before reading my response.
“The view came; the understanding did not.” Very poetic. Also very true. Where I was: I was taking the I-STEP+ test in my high school. Because of the testing, no one told us what was happening, and I knew nothing…until after lunch when I got to my 5th period class and didn’t leave it for the rest of the day. We sat nearly silently as we watched over and over again the same footage from different angles and with different “important” people commenting. But, like you, I didn’t understand. Who I was: I was an awkward 13-year-old little girl, new to high school and completely out of place. I’d never heard of these buildings and didn’t realize the magnitude of what I was seeing. It didn’t quite sink in that “we” had been attacked. I lived in the middle of nowhere far from New York, and to me “they” had been attacked, “they” had died, and “they” had suffered. It wasn’t until I saw my parents’ and grandparents’ reactions that I realized it affected “us” too. Interesting story from that day: My little sister was three weeks short of her third birthday, and when I came home from school she was sitting on the floor just inside the door stacking wooden blocks. She built two tall, thin towers that were connected at the base and then, holding a rectangular block in her hand, knocked them down. This was before we turned on the TV to continue watching coverage. She didn’t know what she was doing, but the rest of us felt it. While we were watching that evening, just beyond the smoke a church was visible. She wasn’t at all concerned about the smoke or what had happened, but she did ask if the church would be okay."
Although this may be strange, I don't like to memorialize tragedies. The reason is not that I don't find them to be significant. The reason is not that I don't mourn for the people whose lives were directly affected or ended. The reason is that once I realized the horrific meaning of September 11th, 2001 it was too sad and awful for me to understand. It is still too sad and awful for me to understand.
I'm sure that the attack at Pearl Harbor and the Oklahoma City Bombing were just as horrible, just as devastating, and just as heart-breaking for those who were there, those whose families and friends lost loved ones, and those who heard the news. For the first half of my life, I was fortunate enough to have only read about such events in history books, overhear conversations referencing them, and watch movies inspired by these events. However, on September 11th, 2001 I became an experiencer of a defining moment.
I was challenged through December and the beginning of January to pick a word that would define my focus for 2011, and I chose "forgive".
Throughout this year I have struggled and grown both personally and spiritually in ways that I am very proud of, but I know I still have much to do. A lot of this growth has been centered around my emotional battle to forgive those who have hurt me and to forgive myself for my own wrongs which I think is just as important. I was talking recently with a friend about how as I forgive others I feel more at peace and happy, but since then I have been experiencing something that is making it necessary for me to re-forgive someone who has already been forgiven for so much that it is difficult. However, I know that I have to because holding anger in my heart against someone really only punishes me. Besides, as much as God forgives me for, it is my responsibility to forgive others just the same.
"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15
"Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22
"Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:36-37
I can't upload the official music video for Chris August's "7x70" , so you'll have to deal with following the link provided or just reading the lyrics while you hear this song.
This weekend has been very difficult and trying for my family and me for reasons I'm not yet ready to share with the entire world. However, the services I attended this morning focused on Romans 8:28 and were very fitting for my mood and circumstances. Coincidentally, the story of Job was also mentioned, and I happen to have read it just yesterday.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
I then came home and began listening to Christian music while playing and snuggling with the puppies. The song 'Before the Morning' by Josh Wilson spoke to me as well.
"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
~
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
~
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
~
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
~
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still got a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning"
"...Weeping may endure through the night,
but joy comes with the morning."
Psalm 30:5
We aren't meant to understand our circumstances in life, but we are meant to have faith and hope in God's unknown plans and in His love for us.
Do you ever get bored and Google yourself? Maybe you Google your friends and family or frenemies and enemies just to see what interesting tidbits of information you can find. I have to admit that I do this even though I rarely find anything interesting - an old high school track meet record with a friend's name, the Facebook groups my sister joined in college, information about a book that has my incredibly common first and last names in the title. Nothing substantial. And, this is just how I like it.
However, earlier today I Googled my Gramma who passed in February 2006. I found a listing of people from my hometown who are deceased but not listed as buried in any local cemeteries. (To clarify, my Gramma was cremated.) This is one of the first Google findings to bother me. I was hurt because her name was printed incorrectly. Maybe this shouldn't bother me as much as it does, and anyone who knew her knows she wouldn't have gone to the trouble of attempting to get this fixed because it really doesn't matter. But, anyone who knew her also knows that she deserves more attention and respect than errors forever printed in her obituary.
This stack of Gramma's Bibles and books with her
fingerprint-smudged glasses in their case on top decorate my bookshelf.
My Gramma was easily the best person I have ever known and will ever know. Her strength and compassion were incomparable, she worked hard to earn what she had in life, and she maintained a warm and positive attitude even through struggles. While I was growing up, my Gramma worked three jobs, one of which was for the Department of Children's Services. She was active in her church, took walks with her sister nearly every night, loved on her grandbabies as often as possible, maintained gardens of tomatoes, sunflowers, and various plants, and prepared meals for sick neighbors. She was not a woman who could sit still or ignore something that needed to be done or someone who needed help.
One of my favorite pictures of my Gramma,
loving on my younger siblings.
Sadly, her ability to help others and remain active was taken from her as she fiercely battled an aggressive lung cancer. She became weak and sick, but her faith remained strong. She taught me more about life during the five years she was dying than during the thirteen years I spent with her while she was healthy. I learned from her that who I have in my life is more important than what I have in my life. What I do in life is more important that what I can get out of life. It is better to be happy and loved than to have power or wealth. It is necessary to work hard for what I want so that I can truly appreciate what I earn. Most importantly, she taught me that although I may never understand the purpose behind certain hardships or fully comprehend what is planned for me, I must have faith that everything does have a purpose and God does have a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).
Last night, I was working my restaurant shift and a mid-twenty-something man walked in. Thinking he was someone else, I casually said, "Hey" then quickly thought, "Crap! I don't know this guy at all." Attempting to save face - mine and the restaurant's - I walked over to where he sat at the bar and apologized for my overly casual greeting. However, after getting a closer look at him, I realize I did know him...I thought. But, I definitely wasn't going to mention it unless I knew for sure. Since he was waiting for a to-go order, I asked the bartender for the name on the order, and it was exactly what I had expected it to be. So, I went back over to him and withdrew my apology, informing him that as it turned out I knew exactly who he was, but hadn't seen him since he graduated high school in 2002, three years ahead of me. We chit-chatted (or chat-chitted for you Dane Cook fans) for a few minutes while his order was completed about what we've been up to for the last nine years. We discussed our jobs, his pregnant wife, the musical we were both involved with in high school, and randomness. As he was leaving, he started to say something but stopped. When I asked what he'd said, he dismissed it and walked out of the restaurant. I returned to what I had been doing before he came in and not even thirty seconds later he stood in front of me again. "If I weren't married, I'd definitely ask you out. You're a beautiful woman."
To quote Reese Witherspoon as June Carter in 'Walk the Line', "There's too many 'if's in that sentence." If he weren't married, he wouldn't have even been in the restaurant last night picking up dinner for his wife with whom he's expecting his first daughter next month. If he weren't married, he might be dating someone else anyway. If he weren't married, the scenarios are endless. But none of those scenarios matter because he is married.
While I appreciated the ego boost of his compliment, it was completely inappropriate. And, to make it worse, he obviously knew this or he wouldn't have stopped himself from saying it when he left the restaurant the first time. He knew it was wrong, but made the effort of coming back inside to say it anyway. He almost did the right thing...then messed it up!
So, I guess the point of my rambling is this: If you're with someone, be completely devoted. You will still notice and appreciate other people, but you shouldn't verbalize it or act on it in any way. If you aren't happy with your relationship, get out. It is more fair to end a relationship than only be in it by technicality. A relationship should be more about love than obligation. If your heart isn't in it, neither are you. Be faithful or be done.
