December Update

Obviously, I was much better about maintaining my blog when I first started it.  I have written fewer and fewer posts each month which proves that I (like most people) lose focus over time.  However, I am taking time tonight to inform you all that my life has changed somewhat over the past month.

At the beginning of the month I was fired from my full-time position for being too friendly.  Instead of using my training period to train me to re-route clients' conversations back to the matter at hand, my employer decided to "separate our employment relationship" which means my parents are currently helping me pay my rent and utility bills.  This is definitely not what I had hoped for nor is it a situation that can continue.  I am fortunate to have parents who are willing to assist me financially, but I'm sure they would prefer that it wasn't necessary.  I am also very lucky that my part-time employer Biaggi's Ristorante Italiano was able to offer me more shifts so that I can earn more money.  I have done a lot of online job searching, but it's slim-pickin's in December.  So, if anyone knows of full-time positions in the Southwest Indiana region (preferrably those that are intriniscally rewarding), please email me at StupidGirlSmartWoman@gmail.com.

In other news:
- I have fallen in love with a wonderful man who I am thrilled to have in my life.  He is a wonderful blessing and appreciates me the way I am, including all my goofiness. (I apologize for the girly moment, but it's a big update.)
- My puppies, Molly and Ellie, as cute and cuddly as they are, still refuse to be house trained.  I have had the carpets professionally cleaned twice because they pee on the floor multiple times each week.
- Christmas is this weekend.  You know this, but it's still important enough for me to mention it.  At this point in time, I plan to post about it separately sometime next week.

Molly and Ellie cuddling while I wrote this blog post.

Emotional Overload

I have waited many weeks to write this because 1) I promised I wouldn't immediately post it online for the whole world to read and 2) I wasn't ready to share.  However, I feel the need to let go of some of what I am feeling.

Several weekends ago, my mom made plans with me under the false pretense that she missed me and wanted to spend time together.  Shortly after arriving at my apartment (one preview into the DVD we had chosen) she told me that she had filed for divorce from my dad that morning and had already made plans to remarry.  I feel so many emotions that I can't figure out how to react or ultimately feel.  I am sad, relieved, hurt, confused, angry, and so many other emotions that I can't figure them all out.

"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." -  Mark 10:11-12

"If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him." - 1 Corinthians 7:12-13

Reading scripture only makes me feel more confused about how to feel because it gives me more reason to be upset with my mom instead of comforting me.  Loving friends and family members get me through each day (even when they don't know it).  To summarize: Divorce sucks and life is hard.

The View Came. The Understanding Did Not.

As you may have noticed in the past, I occasionally write comments on others' blog posts that are worthy of becoming their own blog posts.  So, as I have done before, I have posted my comment below; however, it will make more sense if you read Will Montgomery's blog post 'Never Forget' before reading my response.

“The view came; the understanding did not.” Very poetic. Also very true.
Where I was: I was taking the I-STEP+ test in my high school. Because of the testing, no one told us what was happening, and I knew nothing…until after lunch when I got to my 5th period class and didn’t leave it for the rest of the day. We sat nearly silently as we watched over and over again the same footage from different angles and with different “important” people commenting. But, like you, I didn’t understand.
Who I was: I was an awkward 13-year-old little girl, new to high school and completely out of place. I’d never heard of these buildings and didn’t realize the magnitude of what I was seeing. It didn’t quite sink in that “we” had been attacked. I lived in the middle of nowhere far from New York, and to me “they” had been attacked, “they” had died, and “they” had suffered. It wasn’t until I saw my parents’ and grandparents’ reactions that I realized it affected “us” too.
Interesting story from that day: My little sister was three weeks short of her third birthday, and when I came home from school she was sitting on the floor just inside the door stacking wooden blocks. She built two tall, thin towers that were connected at the base and then, holding a rectangular block in her hand, knocked them down. This was before we turned on the TV to continue watching coverage. She didn’t know what she was doing, but the rest of us felt it. While we were watching that evening, just beyond the smoke a church was visible. She wasn’t at all concerned about the smoke or what had happened, but she did ask if the church would be okay."

Although this may be strange, I don't like to memorialize tragedies.  The reason is not that I don't find them to be significant.  The reason is not that I don't mourn for the people whose lives were directly affected or ended.  The reason is that once I realized the horrific meaning of September 11th, 2001 it was too sad and awful for me to understand.  It is still too sad and awful for me to understand.

I'm sure that the attack at Pearl Harbor and the Oklahoma City Bombing were just as horrible, just as devastating, and just as heart-breaking for those who were there, those whose families and friends lost loved ones, and those who heard the news.  For the first half of my life, I was fortunate enough to have only read about such events in history books, overhear conversations referencing them, and watch movies inspired by these events.  However, on September 11th, 2001 I became an experiencer of a defining moment.

Before the Morning

This weekend has been very difficult and trying for my family and me for reasons I'm not yet ready to share with the entire world.  However, the services I attended this morning focused on Romans 8:28 and were very fitting for my mood and circumstances.  Coincidentally, the story of Job was also mentioned, and I happen to have read it just yesterday.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

I then came home and began listening to Christian music while playing and snuggling with the puppies.  The song 'Before the Morning' by Josh Wilson spoke to me as well.

"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
~
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
~
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
~
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
~
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still got a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning"

"...Weeping may endure through the night,
but joy comes with the morning."

Psalm 30:5

We aren't meant to understand our circumstances in life, but we are meant to have faith and hope in God's unknown plans and in His love for us.

PostSecret

I first learned about PostSecret from my older sister who now owns at least three of the books.  Just in case you've not heard about it, I'll explain.  People from all over the world send postcards, letters, pictures, and various other things to a man who compiles them into books and posts them online through Facebook, Twitter, and a blog.  Some of the entries sent in are simple, but others are heartbreaking, thought-provoking, and deep.

This is my favorite.

"i fear that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life...."

"and i don't want to have to settle in order not to be."

I Am Too Nice

Not to toot my own horn, but...I am too nice!  I am nice to the point that I irritate myself.  Sure, I can be rude and snarky, sarcastic and stubborn, and even self-righteous and judgmental.  But, most of the time - at least to people's faces - I am just too nice.
I know that I need help sometimes and that's part of why I feel I need to give it when I can.  There are plenty of people I am perfectly happy to help in any way I can.  But there are others who seem like they would be better off if they were forced to get by on their own so they can learn from it, yet I'm still their crutch.  As the crutch, I am preventing them from learning to be self-sufficient, mature, and responsible...or at least this is what I tell myself when trying (and failing) to convince myself to put my foot down.
Anyway, the point is it bugs me that I can't tell people "no" and let people take advantage of my kindness.  All the while I'm "helping" them, I'm silently asking myself questions. "Why won't they leave me alone?" "Why can't they bother someone else?" "Why can't I tell them to just go away?"
I think the reason is that I'm afraid they'll think I'm a bad person.  I'm afraid that they will blame me for their continued misfortune and that I'll blame myself as well.  I'm afraid to make them mad or upset them.  I'm afraid of what they'll think and afraid to make myself feel like a bad person.  I know that it is normal and healthy to be able to set boundaries, but I simply can't do it.