Time Flies

  Wow!  It has been an amazingly long time since I last posted, and I would feel guilty if anyone besides Chelsea* actually read this blog on a semi-regular basis.  Because it has been over a year, I'll give you a timeline update.  Quick refresher: In November 2011, I met Brandon and he's part of the reason I stopped having as much time to write.

• February 2012 - I started working in a salaried Internet Sales Consultant position for a local car dealership.
• April 2012 - Painting became a new hobby that I have spent far too much money on.  It's a wonderful pastime for evenings of watching 'Buffy: The Vampire Slayer' while Brandon plays hockey.  I'll post some pictures soon (hopefully) of some of my creations.  So far, I'm playing it safe and sticking to landscapes and flowers.
• May 2012 - Brandon and I adopted a kitten, Salene, who has adapted well to living with the crazy dachshund babies, Ellie and Molly.

Salene, Molly, and Ellie having a snuggle while I painted.

• May 2012 - Brandon and I bought our first home together.  A big step toward being responsible adults!
• July 2012 - Brandon and I bought a new-to-us car and I bought my car (which was already mine) from my dad who had originally purchased it many years ago when I was 17.  So, now I'm 25 with a house, two cars, and various types of insurance, retirement plans, etc.  I suppose, I'm officially a grown-up.
• September 2012 - Brandon took me to Nashville.  I'd never been before, but will definitely be looking forward to going back!  We were planning to go to the Nashville Predators hockey game, but because the NHL was in lockout we ended up shopping, site seeing, and walking a lot.  Being the huge goober that I am, I wore my newish boots that I'd had only a couple weeks...this was a big mistake.  We walked more than two miles from Honky Tonk Central
  to The Parthenon.  My feet were rather angry with me.

• September 2012 - Brandon proposed!!  I was on the phone with my dad the evening after we returned from Nashville when I found my engagement ring hidden under my laptop.  Brandon knew I would come home and immediately get online, but he wasn't expecting me to be talking to my dad while this happened.  It was hilariously imperfect and wonderfully perfect at the same time.  I guess I should have known he was up to something when he so eagerly offered me a foot massage (which I did actually get after the proposal).
• November 2012 - My birthday came back around as it has a tendency to do.  I'm 25 now, so I feel like I'm not a kid anymore - even though I do still look 16-years-old.
• December 2012 - Brandon and I managed to both have four days off together for Christmas thanks to some schedule rearranging and a blizzard that trapped us in our house.  It made for a wonderful opportunity to watch all of the 'Harry Potter' movies and play NHL Monopoly which was Brandon's Christmas present from my dad.

  I have quite a lot to look forward to in the coming months, but I'll try to remember to post more than once per year.  I've been rather busy planning the wedding - even before the proposal we'd already decided on the date, venue, officiant, and DJ.  Here's a sneak peak into the next few months.

• In March, Brandon and I are headed to Chicago for a weekend hockey tournament.  I'll get to see the green river for St. Patrick's day!  I'm hoping it'll just be cold instead of insanely freezing while we're there.
• My sister is pregnant with her first son (also the first family grandbaby), and he'll be making his appearance sometime between now and April.  He's expected to be a preemie as she's only 6 months along and has gone into labor three times.  Please pray, send good vibes, or cross your fingers (whichever is your style) that my sister and her baby are happy and healthy.
• Brandon and I are having a May wedding and still have a considerable amount of planning to do.  Decorations still need to be finalized as well as who is going to decorate for us.  I have no idea who is going to do my hair or how I'm having it done.  Neither of my sisters (bridesmaids) nor the mothers (mine and his) have dresses picked out, let alone ordered or altered.  My dress needs the train cut off and the hem redone.  Food and drinks need to be figured out as well.  We've not had engagement photos taken or ordered invitations.  Half the guest list (his half) doesn't even have addresses.  I haven't found the shoes I intend to wear.  The list continues, but I keep reminding myself that I got through college as a procrastinator who works well under high pressure.  (Deep breaths!)
• Oh, then there's the honeymoon.  We haven't made any plans, but I won two "free" honeymoons through two different bridal shows, so that shouldn't be too difficult to take care of, in theory.  Mountains and/or the ocean will be involved!

Emotional Overload

I have waited many weeks to write this because 1) I promised I wouldn't immediately post it online for the whole world to read and 2) I wasn't ready to share.  However, I feel the need to let go of some of what I am feeling.

Several weekends ago, my mom made plans with me under the false pretense that she missed me and wanted to spend time together.  Shortly after arriving at my apartment (one preview into the DVD we had chosen) she told me that she had filed for divorce from my dad that morning and had already made plans to remarry.  I feel so many emotions that I can't figure out how to react or ultimately feel.  I am sad, relieved, hurt, confused, angry, and so many other emotions that I can't figure them all out.

"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." -  Mark 10:11-12

"If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him." - 1 Corinthians 7:12-13

Reading scripture only makes me feel more confused about how to feel because it gives me more reason to be upset with my mom instead of comforting me.  Loving friends and family members get me through each day (even when they don't know it).  To summarize: Divorce sucks and life is hard.

Recognizing Blessings

Through a very steady, cold, downpour I walked in the Race for the Cure this morning with my mom, younger sister, and her friend while another friend competed in the timed race. Our walk was long and drenching while his run was fast and accomplishing, earning him 26th place overall and 3rd place in our age range. Rather surprisingly, my team also succeeding in raising nearly $150 for Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

However, the more important event of the day was seeing both of my sisters. I wish my brother had been there too! There are days when I take my siblings for granted and don't appreciate them quite as much as I should. Today was not one of those days. I had not seen my older sister for at least three months, and so much has happened over the course of those three months that it seems like a lifetime. I talk to her and to our younger brother and sister often on the phone or through text messaging, but seeing them in person warms my heart and encourages me in ways I cannot describe. It's amazing how we support and take care of each other in ways that seem both completely natural and also extraordinary. My siblings are blessings in my life for which I thank God.

Before the Morning

This weekend has been very difficult and trying for my family and me for reasons I'm not yet ready to share with the entire world.  However, the services I attended this morning focused on Romans 8:28 and were very fitting for my mood and circumstances.  Coincidentally, the story of Job was also mentioned, and I happen to have read it just yesterday.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

I then came home and began listening to Christian music while playing and snuggling with the puppies.  The song 'Before the Morning' by Josh Wilson spoke to me as well.

"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
~
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see
~
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
~
My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
~
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still got a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
~
com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning"

"...Weeping may endure through the night,
but joy comes with the morning."

Psalm 30:5

We aren't meant to understand our circumstances in life, but we are meant to have faith and hope in God's unknown plans and in His love for us.

He Almost Did the Right Thing...Then Messed It Up

Last night, I was working my restaurant shift and a mid-twenty-something man walked in.  Thinking he was someone else, I casually said, "Hey" then quickly thought, "Crap! I don't know this guy at all."  Attempting to save face - mine and the restaurant's - I walked over to where he sat at the bar and apologized for my overly casual greeting.  However, after getting a closer look at him, I realize I did know him...I thought.  But, I definitely wasn't going to mention it unless I knew for sure.  Since he was waiting for a to-go order, I asked the bartender for the name on the order, and it was exactly what I had expected it to be.  So, I went back over to him and withdrew my apology, informing him that as it turned out I knew exactly who he was, but hadn't seen him since he graduated high school in 2002, three years ahead of me.  We chit-chatted (or chat-chitted for you Dane Cook fans) for a few minutes while his order was completed about what we've been up to for the last nine years.  We discussed our jobs, his pregnant wife, the musical we were both involved with in high school, and randomness.  As he was leaving, he started to say something but stopped.  When I asked what he'd said, he dismissed it and walked out of the restaurant.  I returned to what I had been doing before he came in and not even thirty seconds later he stood in front of me again.  "If I weren't married, I'd definitely ask you out.  You're a beautiful woman."

To quote Reese Witherspoon as June Carter in 'Walk the Line', "There's too many 'if's in that sentence."  If he weren't married, he wouldn't have even been in the restaurant last night picking up dinner for his wife with whom he's expecting his first daughter next month.  If he weren't married, he might be dating someone else anyway.  If he weren't married, the scenarios are endless.  But none of those scenarios matter because he is married.

While I appreciated the ego boost of his compliment, it was completely inappropriate.  And, to make it worse, he obviously knew this or he wouldn't have stopped himself from saying it when he left the restaurant the first time.  He knew it was wrong, but made the effort of coming back inside to say it anyway.  He almost did the right thing...then messed it up!

So, I guess the point of my rambling is this: If you're with someone, be completely devoted.  You will still notice and appreciate other people, but you shouldn't verbalize it or act on it in any way.  If you aren't happy with your relationship, get out.  It is more fair to end a relationship than only be in it by technicality.  A relationship should be more about love than obligation.  If your heart isn't in it, neither are you.  Be faithful or be done.