Emotional Overload

I have waited many weeks to write this because 1) I promised I wouldn't immediately post it online for the whole world to read and 2) I wasn't ready to share.  However, I feel the need to let go of some of what I am feeling.

Several weekends ago, my mom made plans with me under the false pretense that she missed me and wanted to spend time together.  Shortly after arriving at my apartment (one preview into the DVD we had chosen) she told me that she had filed for divorce from my dad that morning and had already made plans to remarry.  I feel so many emotions that I can't figure out how to react or ultimately feel.  I am sad, relieved, hurt, confused, angry, and so many other emotions that I can't figure them all out.

"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." -  Mark 10:11-12

"If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him." - 1 Corinthians 7:12-13

Reading scripture only makes me feel more confused about how to feel because it gives me more reason to be upset with my mom instead of comforting me.  Loving friends and family members get me through each day (even when they don't know it).  To summarize: Divorce sucks and life is hard.

The View Came. The Understanding Did Not.

As you may have noticed in the past, I occasionally write comments on others' blog posts that are worthy of becoming their own blog posts.  So, as I have done before, I have posted my comment below; however, it will make more sense if you read Will Montgomery's blog post 'Never Forget' before reading my response.

“The view came; the understanding did not.” Very poetic. Also very true.
Where I was: I was taking the I-STEP+ test in my high school. Because of the testing, no one told us what was happening, and I knew nothing…until after lunch when I got to my 5th period class and didn’t leave it for the rest of the day. We sat nearly silently as we watched over and over again the same footage from different angles and with different “important” people commenting. But, like you, I didn’t understand.
Who I was: I was an awkward 13-year-old little girl, new to high school and completely out of place. I’d never heard of these buildings and didn’t realize the magnitude of what I was seeing. It didn’t quite sink in that “we” had been attacked. I lived in the middle of nowhere far from New York, and to me “they” had been attacked, “they” had died, and “they” had suffered. It wasn’t until I saw my parents’ and grandparents’ reactions that I realized it affected “us” too.
Interesting story from that day: My little sister was three weeks short of her third birthday, and when I came home from school she was sitting on the floor just inside the door stacking wooden blocks. She built two tall, thin towers that were connected at the base and then, holding a rectangular block in her hand, knocked them down. This was before we turned on the TV to continue watching coverage. She didn’t know what she was doing, but the rest of us felt it. While we were watching that evening, just beyond the smoke a church was visible. She wasn’t at all concerned about the smoke or what had happened, but she did ask if the church would be okay."

Although this may be strange, I don't like to memorialize tragedies.  The reason is not that I don't find them to be significant.  The reason is not that I don't mourn for the people whose lives were directly affected or ended.  The reason is that once I realized the horrific meaning of September 11th, 2001 it was too sad and awful for me to understand.  It is still too sad and awful for me to understand.

I'm sure that the attack at Pearl Harbor and the Oklahoma City Bombing were just as horrible, just as devastating, and just as heart-breaking for those who were there, those whose families and friends lost loved ones, and those who heard the news.  For the first half of my life, I was fortunate enough to have only read about such events in history books, overhear conversations referencing them, and watch movies inspired by these events.  However, on September 11th, 2001 I became an experiencer of a defining moment.

Focus on Forgiveness

I was challenged through December and the beginning of January to pick a word that would define my focus for 2011, and I chose "forgive".

Throughout this year I have struggled and grown both personally and spiritually in ways that I am very proud of, but I know I still have much to do.  A lot of this growth has been centered around my emotional battle to forgive those who have hurt me and to forgive myself for my own wrongs which I think is just as important.  I was talking recently with a friend about how as I forgive others I feel more at peace and happy, but since then I have been experiencing something that is making it necessary for me to re-forgive someone who has already been forgiven for so much that it is difficult.  However, I know that I have to because holding anger in my heart against someone really only punishes me.  Besides, as much as God forgives me for, it is my responsibility to forgive others just the same.

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15

"Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22

"Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:36-37

I can't upload the official music video for Chris August's "7x70" , so you'll have to deal with following the link provided or just reading the lyrics while you hear this song.

I Am Too Nice

Not to toot my own horn, but...I am too nice!  I am nice to the point that I irritate myself.  Sure, I can be rude and snarky, sarcastic and stubborn, and even self-righteous and judgmental.  But, most of the time - at least to people's faces - I am just too nice.
I know that I need help sometimes and that's part of why I feel I need to give it when I can.  There are plenty of people I am perfectly happy to help in any way I can.  But there are others who seem like they would be better off if they were forced to get by on their own so they can learn from it, yet I'm still their crutch.  As the crutch, I am preventing them from learning to be self-sufficient, mature, and responsible...or at least this is what I tell myself when trying (and failing) to convince myself to put my foot down.
Anyway, the point is it bugs me that I can't tell people "no" and let people take advantage of my kindness.  All the while I'm "helping" them, I'm silently asking myself questions. "Why won't they leave me alone?" "Why can't they bother someone else?" "Why can't I tell them to just go away?"
I think the reason is that I'm afraid they'll think I'm a bad person.  I'm afraid that they will blame me for their continued misfortune and that I'll blame myself as well.  I'm afraid to make them mad or upset them.  I'm afraid of what they'll think and afraid to make myself feel like a bad person.  I know that it is normal and healthy to be able to set boundaries, but I simply can't do it.

Don't Be a Slut - "What It Means to be a Grown-Up"

Don't Be a Slut is a very real and interesting blog.  I appreciate the writer's honesty, especially in her post titled "What It Means to be a Grown-Up".  The best line is "A grown-up is someone who takes 100-percent responsibility for the quality of his or her life."
It is so much easier to blame other's for our unhappiness or for the situations we find ourselves in, but in all honesty, we've made the choices that brought us to this point.  No one else chose for me.  No one else chose for you.